Sending my Dad a balloon

I'll tell this story with pictures. I hope you don't mind. It's long, but I think it's worth the read. Enjoy!

I went to the store around 12:30 to buy the balloon for my Dad. They didn't have a red balloon except one that said Happy Birthday. The color wasn't that important really so I decided on a balloon that I liked, had it blown up and brought it home.

I had already written the letter to Dad. I quickly tied the envelope to the balloon, and took another picture.

I was glad that I gave myself extra time, because the envelope made the balloon too heavy. I had to fix that. Next time I'll just buy two balloons. This time, I just quickly removed the letter, and tied it to the string....discarding the envelope. Then I left, in search of the perfect spot to release the balloon from. I wanted it to be somewhere special. Somewhere I can go every time I want to release a balloon. I found the perfect spot. There is a bike trail that starts here on the edge of town about a block from my apartment. It winds and twists it's way across farmland. The trail itself is two miles long. If you drive down the road to the other end it's only one mile away though. So that's what I did. I drove to the other end, and then walked 1/4 of a mile up the trail. There are these little memorial benches along the bike path, and there happens to be one beside this pond.

At the edge of the pond the corn is growing tall! There were birds everywhere, and I even saw a bunny hop across the trail in front of me. As I sat down on the bench, I found myself talking to my Dad aloud, as if he were right there. I told him how much I loved him, and that I wish he was there with me. That is when the most amazing thing happened. This hawk swooped down out of nowhere and landed less than 10 feet away on the fence post! I quickly snapped a picture, and then stood and walked towards him. Unfortunately, my camera battery died then. It was amazing.

This hawk let me get so close that I could almost touch him! Then he screeched at me, so I decided not to push it. I sat down on the path and stared at him. I even spoke aloud to him. For five minutes that hawk sat there beside me, and from the moment he landed I felt such a wave of comfort wash over me. At 12:55 I looked at him and said "You aren't going to pop my balloon when I let it go are you?" He tilted his head to the side, screeched at me again, and then flew off. I can't even put into words how much comfort that silly little creature brought me. It's almost as if my Dad sent him to be with me.

At 12:56 (1:56 eastern) I began to cry again as I released the balloon. I watched it float higher and higher as I said "I love you Daddy!" over and over again. I sat and watched my balloon as it became a dot, and then a speck, and then completely disappeared. I glanced at the clock and realized it took 6 minutes for the balloon to disappear from view. In another parallel, I now know from reading the nurses notes from the day Dad passed, that she noticed the first signs that he was passing at 1:50pm. Dad drew his last breath at 1:56 pm. Six minutes. It just made sense to me. It seemed right that the balloon take that long to leave my sight.

Watching that balloon was completely gut wrenching. I sat and sobbed most of the six minutes. I still had to sit for several minutes afterwards before I could see enough to drive home. On my walk back to the car, I noticed a butterfly that was flying along side the path. It followed me all the way to the parking lot before flying away out through the fields. Another sign? maybe. Or maybe experiences like we have all had.....losing someone we love so much makes us slow down just a little bit and see the things we would normally overlook. I feel much better now that I released the balloon. I will do it again in October for my Dad's birthday. It's going to be a tradition now. I'll send my Dad balloons on his birthday, the anniversary of his death, and my birthday and the kids' birthdays. It really was a 'healing' experience.

Six Months

I marked my mood as sad, but that doesn't even begin to explain how I am feeling at this moment. SIX MONTHS!!! Those two words keep screaming in my head, making it impossible to think straight, impossible to breathe, impossible to function basically. I'm walking around in a daze. I can't focus my energy on anything, but I can't sit still either. It's midnight, and Matt has to be up at 4:00 so anything I do decide to try to focus on needs to be as quiet as possible. 

Six months ago I was spending my last night talking to my Dad. Six months ago I was watching a western, and sharing one last cigarette with my Dad. Neither of us knew at the time that it would be the last. If we had, we probably would have savored the moment just a little more.

I can't help but run every single moment of those last 24 hours through my head over and over again. I keep asking myself if I should have said "I love you" one more time. Is there anything I should have done differently. I come to the conclusion that I did everything I could. I made him as comfortable as possible. He knew how much I loved him. I was telling him constantly. There are a lot of questions I wish I had answers too, and things I wish I had said, but they are things that would have upset Dad during his last moments, so in the end, I am glad that I didn't discuss them. Glad for his sake. For me...... these are things that will haunt me now. Unanswered questions that I desperately want answers to, but at the same time, I am terrified of the answers.

I should be in bed. I know I should be. I have to drive Matt to work at 4:00 but there is no way I can sleep. I can't stop the tears long enough to sleep. I know it isn't helping, but I keep listening to songs from the funeral and other songs that remind me of Dad. Songs like:

When I get where I'm Going ~ Brad Paisley
If something should happen ~ Daryl Worley
Live Like You Were Dyin' ~ Tim McGraw
Go Rest High On That Mountain ~ Vince Gill
My Little Girl ~ Tim McGraw
I Loved Her First ~ Heartland (We were supposed to dance to this song at my wedding. I never dreamed that he wouldn'tbe there.)

I don't know how I'm ever supposed to get back to normal. I try. God I try so hard! It might work for a day or two....a week at the most. There isn't a single day that something doesn't happen that makes me think of Dad. Or want to call him, or hug him. I just want to hear his voice again. I want to tell him that I love him. I just want one more hug. One more minute. One more hour. One more day. Just one more........

Thinking about facing the rest of my life without ever being able to ask his advice or tell him about my day or talk to him about anything makes me physically ill. It's been six months, and yet I still can't believe that he is gone. How am I supposed to keep going? How do I get past losing the one person that would always love me unconditionally?

I know this song at the bottom is more about a little kid, but there are several parallels that I can't help but notice. The ages they mention in that song are exactly 20 years from where I am now. She was 7....I'm 27. She talks about him missing her birthday...he missed mine. She talks about wishing he could be there for her wedding, and I wanted the same. My Dad did get to meet Matt. Thank God because Ican't imagine being with someone my Dad never got to meet. I wish they had been able to get to know each other more though. They had so much in common. It amazes me sometimes. This song has really touched me, so around noon I am going to go to the store and buy a red balloon. I'm going to write a note to my Dad and tie it to the balloon. At 1:56 pm (eastern) I am going to release the balloon and let it take my note to my Dad. That  is exactly when my Dad passed, and it just seems 'right' to release the balloon then. I will do this every January 22nd as well. Always a 1:56 pm (eastern). It just makes me feel like maybe somehow he might know what I am trying to say if I send it to heaven on a balloon.

Little Red Balloon ~ Kristinia Cornell

Another Scrapbook Page

Hey everyone. I made another scrapbook page today. And I found a bunch of great resources online to help me come up with new ideas for pages. I am so excited. I can't wait to get new pictures printed, and take other pictures so that I can get alot more pages made!

Here's the latest.



I still need to add a title on the bottom of the page in the light green square. I'm just trying to decide what I want it to say. Well, I'm off to work on another page.  Have a good night everyone.

EDITED: To add the page I worked on tonight. I still need to add some journaling to it, but here it is!



***Get me your addresses for the post card exchange! I'll be getting those in the mail in the next few days!***

Scrapbooking

I have recently started scrap booking. I am very much a beginner and it shows. I thought I would share just a few of my pages with you though. You will notice some white-out sections. This is were there was a last name or other identifying info that I cut out. Other than that, you'll see them exactly as they are in my scrap book.

This one is a memorial page to my dad. Hopefully my mom will be sending me some pictures soon for the page I want to make to go beside this one.



Matt and the little ones. I just adore black and white photos.


A few pages from our wedding album.






A day at the lake. A cold day.....in early May. I think they are nuts! And no....Momma didn't get in the water that day! I think I made an entry about this with other pics of the lake including some geese. I'll have to look back and see.


Sierra's 9th birthday.


I have other pages that I will share another time. These are just a few of my favorites. Also some of my better pages. I am getting better if I must say so myself. lol You should have seen some of my earliest pages!