Six Months

I marked my mood as sad, but that doesn't even begin to explain how I am feeling at this moment. SIX MONTHS!!! Those two words keep screaming in my head, making it impossible to think straight, impossible to breathe, impossible to function basically. I'm walking around in a daze. I can't focus my energy on anything, but I can't sit still either. It's midnight, and Matt has to be up at 4:00 so anything I do decide to try to focus on needs to be as quiet as possible. 

Six months ago I was spending my last night talking to my Dad. Six months ago I was watching a western, and sharing one last cigarette with my Dad. Neither of us knew at the time that it would be the last. If we had, we probably would have savored the moment just a little more.

I can't help but run every single moment of those last 24 hours through my head over and over again. I keep asking myself if I should have said "I love you" one more time. Is there anything I should have done differently. I come to the conclusion that I did everything I could. I made him as comfortable as possible. He knew how much I loved him. I was telling him constantly. There are a lot of questions I wish I had answers too, and things I wish I had said, but they are things that would have upset Dad during his last moments, so in the end, I am glad that I didn't discuss them. Glad for his sake. For me...... these are things that will haunt me now. Unanswered questions that I desperately want answers to, but at the same time, I am terrified of the answers.

I should be in bed. I know I should be. I have to drive Matt to work at 4:00 but there is no way I can sleep. I can't stop the tears long enough to sleep. I know it isn't helping, but I keep listening to songs from the funeral and other songs that remind me of Dad. Songs like:

When I get where I'm Going ~ Brad Paisley
If something should happen ~ Daryl Worley
Live Like You Were Dyin' ~ Tim McGraw
Go Rest High On That Mountain ~ Vince Gill
My Little Girl ~ Tim McGraw
I Loved Her First ~ Heartland (We were supposed to dance to this song at my wedding. I never dreamed that he wouldn'tbe there.)

I don't know how I'm ever supposed to get back to normal. I try. God I try so hard! It might work for a day or two....a week at the most. There isn't a single day that something doesn't happen that makes me think of Dad. Or want to call him, or hug him. I just want to hear his voice again. I want to tell him that I love him. I just want one more hug. One more minute. One more hour. One more day. Just one more........

Thinking about facing the rest of my life without ever being able to ask his advice or tell him about my day or talk to him about anything makes me physically ill. It's been six months, and yet I still can't believe that he is gone. How am I supposed to keep going? How do I get past losing the one person that would always love me unconditionally?

I know this song at the bottom is more about a little kid, but there are several parallels that I can't help but notice. The ages they mention in that song are exactly 20 years from where I am now. She was 7....I'm 27. She talks about him missing her birthday...he missed mine. She talks about wishing he could be there for her wedding, and I wanted the same. My Dad did get to meet Matt. Thank God because Ican't imagine being with someone my Dad never got to meet. I wish they had been able to get to know each other more though. They had so much in common. It amazes me sometimes. This song has really touched me, so around noon I am going to go to the store and buy a red balloon. I'm going to write a note to my Dad and tie it to the balloon. At 1:56 pm (eastern) I am going to release the balloon and let it take my note to my Dad. That  is exactly when my Dad passed, and it just seems 'right' to release the balloon then. I will do this every January 22nd as well. Always a 1:56 pm (eastern). It just makes me feel like maybe somehow he might know what I am trying to say if I send it to heaven on a balloon.

Little Red Balloon ~ Kristinia Cornell